As
so beautifully puts it in Kokoro, we get to have this day. This encouragement, this reminder, can sometimes be just that - an encouragement. Motivation to get up and seize the day. Sometimes - and I’m embarrassed to admit it - it can feel like a burden to say this. Do I really have to have this day? Can’t I choose a different day?When life is rosy - when life is going exactly as we would like - getting to have this day is wonderful. I want more of these days. I want to collect them. I want to gather the days that I get to walk for miles. I want to hold on to the days that I can read and read and read, losing all sense of time. I want those days. I treasure those days. Can I be honest? I don’t want the days when the treadmill of life won’t stop. When I feel like I’m sprinting through the wilderness. When there seems to be no off button to the chaos. I think that might make me human to be quite so honest - I don’t want those days. I’d really rather get my money on those days.
But I know - when I sit down with my rational head on - that those dark days will be the days that make me. They will be the days that when my life flashes before my eyes that I cherish the most. Because when life is easy, I just have to show up. Be grateful and enjoy it. But when life gets tough, that’s when things get juicy. I have to dig deep and I have some tough choices to make. Do I rely on my own strength or do I allow something much greater than I am (for me, I believe this is God) to carry me? Do I look at the situation and feel hopeless or do I see this as an opportunity to serve? Do I see the uncertainty in front of me and panic or do I embrace the uncomfortable truth of life: that life changes and see this as something to embrace?
I would choose to have my Dad here with me a million times over. But the day I had was vastly different. But without that day, I would have carried on merrily in life, nodding and agreeing that ‘Yes when we die, I believe we go to Heaven. Oh of course, yes, I am a Christian, this is what I believe’ - all quite nonchalantly. When faced with unexpected death, we then have to confront what we truly believe in. We can quote all the quotes from religion, from our spiritual beliefs. But when death hits you in the face, then your faith is tested.
I would choose that my family members never get ill and they will all live forevermore. But when faced with uncertainties that aging and unpredictable health can bring, I have a choice. I can assume the worst or I can assume the best. I can bask in hope or I can dwell in the darkness. I can bury my head in the sand or embrace the unknown. I can hibernate and turn off the noise or I can show up to the chaos and find the light, even if some days it’s obvious and some days I have to look a little bit harder.
So I get to have this day. Whatever this day brings, I know I can’t predict it, I can’t control it and despite my best plans, cannot really truly plan for it. But I do get to have this day. With darkness comes light. With despair comes hope. With chaos comes calm. In the daily trails, there are opposites and I lean into the opposites that light me up; knowing that we can never really know. Life is ever changing. It ebbs and flows. But I am here to embrace it all because I do get to have this day.