Help: I am finding it hard to begin...
My thoughts on beginnings and endings. What's better: to begin or to end?
I thought I’d become quite good at dealing with them. They’re a natural part of life. They’re inevitable. It turns out that I’m not sure I am good at beginnings after all.
The only certainty we have in life is change. Life is constantly changing. And with change, there are beginnings. Beginnings are inevitable. So then, why am I finding it so hard in this moment to begin?
I am stuck. When usually I could write almost without thinking, today I am finding it hard to begin. There is a block that needs shifting. I thought I could brainstorm some more ideas for an essay. Sit with the stuck-ness for a little longer. But in the end, the only way to get started is to begin.
Which leads me nicely onto the theme of today’s post: beginnings. Beginnings - like I’ve mentioned - are inevitable. In fact, beginnings are happening all the time. Sometimes beginnings are grand and flashy. Often though, beginnings are found in the minute details. In the everyday. In the moment to moment living.
Some of my recent mundane (although mundane might be used subjectively here.) beginnings include:
A new day
A new friendship group with fellow sea swimmers
A new connection with a dog walker (and of course, when I say connection, I mean: a nod and smile on the daily dog walk route. We don’t actually talk.)
A new found interest in the Men’s Euros (I am feeling the loss of the tournament being over, deeply!)
A new sense of belonging as part of Beth Kempton’s SoulCircle membership (see my logo proudly displayed at the bottom of this post.)
All beginnings have something in common, They all involve something new.
Oxford Languages defines new as: already existing but seen, experienced, or acquired recently or now for the first time
Cambridge Dictionaries states beginning is: the start of something.
What is the link between the two definitions? The thing that leaps out to me is that new already exists, whereas beginning is the action of starting. New is passive, beginning is proactive. I could have a new book but I am only beginning the story when I start to read.
This makes me wonder: how much new am I missing because I am not yet beginning? New exists - it’s handed to me on a plate - but beginning requires me to take that step: to actually start.
A new day exists but how will I begin the day?
A new friendship group exists but how will I begin the relationships?
A new connection with a dog walker exists but how will I begin this acquaintance?
A new interest in Men’s Euros exists but how will I begin to develop this interest?
A new place in Beth Kempton’s SoulCircle community is found but how will I begin this new writing journey?
I have used ‘how’ in these reflections. But perhaps ‘what’ might be better placed here.
What beginnings can be found in these new experiences? And does new imply - ‘what next’?
A new day exists but what next?
A new friendship group exists but what next?
A new connection with a dog walker but what next?
A new interest in Men’s Euros but what next?
A new place in Beth Kempton’s SoulCircle community but what next?
New can be seen as a springboard to the next. With newness comes momentum. In each new moment, we’re led to the next moment. In the new, we begin. And in the next moment, we begin again. Over again and again.
As I read back over my essay, something strikes me. You cannot talk about beginnings without talking about endings. I use the phrase ‘in the end’ in this line: But in the end, the only way to get started is to begin. I use ‘in the end’ flippantly - as an expression - but actually, there is some weight to the words. Before you can begin, something must end. You cannot have beginnings without endings. Endings lead to beginnings.
In order for me to begin this essay, what needed to end?
God wants us to know that life is a series of beginnings, not endings. Just as graduations are not terminations, but commencements. Creation is an ongoing process, and when we create a perfect world where love and compassion are shared by all, suffering will cease. - Bernie Siegel
Okay - hold on a second, this quote does not reflect what I thought to be true. Endings and beginnings go hand in hand - don’t they? In order for me to begin writing today, something had to end. I had to put an ending to my self-doubt, my procrastination and overplanning and overthinking tendencies. I couldn’t begin this essay without putting a stop to the negative thought patterns.
Yet Bernie says that life is a series of beginnings, not endings. But in order to graduate - to use Bernie’s example - a degree or a course has to end. Beginnings simply cannot exist - or be experienced - without endings. What if I were to only focus on endings? What if I were to simply see life as a series of endings?
The end of a day.
The end of a friendship.
The end of a hobby.
With the end of a day comes a new day.
With the end of a friendship comes new friendships.
With the end of one interest comes time and space for new hobbies.
If we stopped at the endings –
The end of a day. But not another!
The end of a friendship. But not another!
The end of a hobby. But not another!
Life filled with only endings - although, I am not sure this is entirely possible - would be incredibly sad. A life focussed only on endings would be sad. Where is the magic in endings if they don’t lead to beginnings?
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Maybe this is what Bernie is trying to say when she asks us to view life as a series of beginnings, rather than endings. We could go through life with our Endings Goggles on - and how miserable we would be because with only endings, there is nothing new. Everything is final. Everything stops. There is nothing more. Or we could go through life seeking - or rather relaxing into - beginnings, knowing that nothing is ever truly lost but only gained.
Life gives you endings but hands you back beginnings. God takes away in exchange for something else. Beginnings. Endings. The chicken or the egg of life. Both inevitable. One has momentum and the promise of something new, something next. One is final and leaves you stuck. Which one are you choosing: beginnings or endings?
Questions to ponder
What does beginnings mean to you? What do endings mean to you?
How do you feel about beginnings? How do you feel about endings?
What is stopping you from beginning?
This is beautiful, Jess. I have also felt really stuck today and I started to get discouraged because I have only just started with a writing practice so I felt like I had failed at the first hurdle. Your post was exactly what I needed to read to reframe my expectations and to think about things in a new way. :)
Beautifully written Jess. Resonated with where I am in my life right now ✨